For our family, it’s a confusing situation for a host of
reasons. First of all, (and luckily for me) my step daughter is an extremely
affectionate child. I myself am a very physically affectionate person also. So
it’s not unusual for her to hold my hand, give me kisses, sit in my lap, or hug
me in public for no reason other than to say “I love you.” Since she is still
very young, she also has a tendency to cling to me sometimes if she’s feeling
nervous or shy. This close proximity and intimacy between us immediately puts
people in mind to assume she is my biological daughter. I cannot fault them for
this assumption. Secondly, we look a lot alike. I mean, A LOT. We have the same
skin tone, the same blonde hair, the same brown eyes, even the same heart
shaped face. Couple that with our obvious love for each other and it actually causes
strangers drop their jaws when we let slip that we are not blood
related, that I am in fact the dreaded Step Mother.
I have several conflicting view points on this phenomenon. I
have to admit, at first I thought it was pretty cool that the three of us
looked like an instant family. Bailey looks like our daughter together; no doubt
about it. She seemingly has some of his features and some of mine. Whenever
someone assumes this, which they almost always do, they immediately refer to me
as “Mom.” As in “Is that okay with your Mom?” or “Maybe your Mommy would like
to do that with you.” To which Bailey gives me that unmistakable look;
wordlessly asking me to explain to this total stranger that I am married to her
Dad and I am actually her step-mother, and her real mom is at home right now.
It sounds like it would be an easy thing to do – and in theory it should be.
But it’s one of the hardest things to explain, especially to a stranger. No
less because, in most cases, they really don’t care and aren’t interested in
hearing the long story of your family history and how you’re working to develop
your family dynamic. Little did I realize that looking just like Bailey would turn out to be somewhat of a curse for us.
Waiters and Waitresses are among the top offenders; which I think mostly
stems from their endeavors to be friendly and personable (and their desire to
get a tip). But the minute I tell people that I’m actually the Step-mom, it’s as
if I’ve just uttered a dirty word in their (and our child’s) presence. And I should feel ashamed, very ashamed for putting up such a sham. More
disturbingly, sometimes they actually take offense to this and assume that I’ve
been trying to ‘get one over on them.’ As if just by going along with our life
and acting the way we always do together (as a loving family) the three of
us have somehow duped them into believing a lie, and then rudely interrupted
that fantasy with a full-frontal-reality check. It’s like my family is an evil, deceitful, circus act and I am the ringmaster of lies.
And it makes me want to shout out that “I AM NOT THE
RINGMASTER OF LIES!” Because I really DO love my step-daughter, it is not an act, and we are perfectly happy without their dirty looks. And
of course I am going to mother her when she is with me! She is a little girl
and I am the adult female who's there when she spends time with her Dad. It's natural! It's normal! You are the weird one! But this is not something
one should shout at a restaurant. And so we all just smile and allow it to be
sufficiently awkward. And my poor, sweet, loving husband has no idea what to say.
It doesn’t help that Bailey is an
extremely beautiful, sweet, and kind little girl. She is noticeably cute and
funny and she pretty much attracts attention wherever she goes. I never know
what to do when strangers compliment ME on how pretty or sweet or funny SHE is.
This was especially difficult for me in the very beginning, when I had no
bearing or influence what-so-ever on her appearance OR her personality. But there
really isn’t an opening to explain this fact to a nice stranger giving a quick
compliment. At least now, I can take the compliment to heart because I really
do believe that I’ve had an influence on her manners and personality; and
although not on the creation of her body, certainly the cuteness of her clothes
and neatness of her hair. Besides, I’ve discovered the easiest response to
those types of compliments are to just agree with the person. So I just say, “She
sure IS beautiful!” And then tell her to “Say thank you, Bailey!” And she does.
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